Abortion is distressing. Yet, the inability to have an abortion is unthinkable. The time has come to speak the truth. There are countless reasons that women find themselves in the position to make this choice. I have had the privilege of caring for these women both medically, as an Obstetrician and Gynecologist, as well as psychologically, as a Licensed Professional Counselor. The truth of the matter is that no woman has ever wanted to be in the position to make this choice. The choice is painful. It is filled with anger, sadness, confusion, relief, grief, guilt and so much more. The emotions are complicated, and women often find difficulty sorting them out and allowing polarized emotions to co-exist. Whether abortion is medically necessary or a difficult choice, the women affected are in need of support and love during their healing. Which brings me to my own story…At age 37, I was gifted with my third pregnancy. I remember the feelings of joy that only escalated when I found out that I was to have my second daughter. I imagined her with pigtails, lighthearted and silly, making my beautiful son and daughter laugh. And then we received news that there was something wrong with the pregnancy. We were devastated. Despair consumed me, and shock overcame my husband. We met with our team of doctors, both obstetricians and geneticists. Intellectually, I could process the information that we were being told, but emotionally, I could only feel deep sadness, like a black hole that threatened to engulf me. With our medical team’s guidance and support, we decided to terminate the pregnancy. I recall an initial feeling of emotional and physical numbness after the procedure. I did not want to see or speak with anyone; I just wanted to bury myself under the covers. Isolation wasn’t an option as I had two children who needed my love and attention. The joyous, carefree connections with them saved us from desolation. Most of the time, however, the grief felt like a cloak of sadness draped across me. In time, the cloak was worn intermittently and, now, more than a decade later, quite rarely. My grief has required patience. I consider myself fortunate to have possessed a deep understanding of this type of loss and grief due to my experience as a physician. Sadly, many women go through this experience confused and alone.
Women undergo abortion and then are silenced about their experience due to fear and stigma. Frequently, I see patients with internalized messages from our society that speak the following: “It wasn’t meant to be, so just get over it”, “At least you were saved from having a loss after birth”, “You will have a baby when the time is right.” None of these sentiments speaks to the pain of this unspeakable loss. There are other - more dangerous - messages that society sends women: “Abortion is murder”, “Pregnancy loss and abortion are shameful, so, do not share your story”, “You shouldn’t be sad if you choose abortion.” Women carry the burden of their emotion-filled stories to avoid experiencing judgement and shame. Often, they feel disconnected from their partners, families and communities as a result. Women who face this difficult decision deserve care and connection, not stigmatization and shaming. These societal messages serve to silence women. We cannot afford to be silent anymore.
Our efforts should be on ending the stigma of abortion and allowing women to heal from these complicated losses. It may appear that the importance of protecting our reproductive rights has sidetracked the essential conversations around abortion. Interestingly, however, women are beginning to bravely tell their stories of abortion in efforts to raise awareness to the realities of abortion. Our stories are also the basis of healing. We can move from stigma, grief and isolation to healing and connection. We are at a crossroads where we must speak out about our stories of abortion and pregnancy loss in an effort to protect our right to make decisions about our health. As women come out of the shadows, we become more connected with one another and we inspire others to see their own stories more clearly and compassionately.